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Leituritas rápidas

Pirate Laws

1. A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling, a compass, or a treasure map.

2. Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute.

3. When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand.

4. Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out.

5. Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.

6. When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.

7. A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying.

8. No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.

9. A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.

10. During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.

11. No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack".

12. All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone's and other "Wench Punch" is prohibited.

13. A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.

14. No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.

15. Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.

16. No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man.

17. Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel-- head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailory.

18. A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin'.

19. Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever.

20. No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.

21. Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse.

22. Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.

23. A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean "killing".

24. Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unnacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase "shiver me timbers".

25. Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.

26. Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.

27. No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is "wrinkled". A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.

28. When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest" is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.

29. No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.

30. No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain.

31. If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said individual may keep their pirate status.

32. A pirate does not snuggle with an animal, unless he is trying to snap its neck. But I guess that wouldn't really be "snuggling".

33. A pirate may never wear another man's clothing, unless he first kills that man.

34. Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly acceptable for one pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure.

35. Pirates do not wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they are looking at a treasure map, and even then they are allowed only a monacle. Any comments about "Mr. Peanut" while wearing the monacle are prohibited.

36. When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can carry on her back.

37. A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.

38. Lifting or removing one's eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not considered an insult. It's just kinda gross. Likewise, one should never remove another pirate's eyepatch, except with a sword to the face.

39. Pirates never use the words "fresh" or "feelings," and certainly not together (as in "I have that not-so-fresh feeling").

40. A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn't been searching hard enough.

41. While creativity is encouraged during any barfight or battle at sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips off a Ninja's arm and hurls the arm, and attached Katana, as a projectile.

42. No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.

43. Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it is for the purpose of plank walking at a later time.

44. When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.

45. Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if ye can't stand bleedin' from the ears, you have no business being a Pirate.

46. A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black; unless it's halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances.

47. Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.

48. Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we're talking about, not Inspector Gadget.

49. A pirate's diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.

50. Pirate Law: You can't spell pirate, without "irate". There's a reason for that, so don't even try.

51. No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage.

52. Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells dirty, it is clean.

53. A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship. Use of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice.

54. When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more rum.

55. The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism.

56. No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.

57. Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet.

58. When at the office, answering the telephone with "Arrrrrrr" is perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are "Avast!", and "Ahoy Matey!"

59. A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the wall of a bathroom.

60. All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of female Pirates, who can be referred to as "lass".

61. Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure chest.

62. Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of "pouring some out for dead mateys".

63. A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.

64. A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.

65. No pirate may do the arm movements for "YMCA", or engage in country-western line-dancing.

66. Pirates do not say "please" or "thank you". The phrase "Arrr, I'll probably kill you tomorrow" is an acceptable alternative for "Thank you".

67. Should the ship's bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up a wooden statue is unbecoming of a pirate.

68. Pirates do not "IM". The only instant message allowed is a sword through the chest.

69. Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash. Anything "minty fresh" is strictly forbidden.

70. Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period. Ironic, I realize.

How to write a paper in college/university:

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.

2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.

13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!

14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).

15. Check your email.

16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.

17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof, the
course, the college, the world at large.

18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.

19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.

20. Check your email.

21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).

23. Check out bored.com.

24. Wash your hands.

25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.

26. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.

29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.

30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.

31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.

32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

34. Punch the wall and break something.

35. Check your email.

36. Mumble obscenities.

37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.

38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.

39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.


Procrastinators Unite!!

Calvin & Hobbes Best Of

Unusual (and fun!) Date Ideas

1. Go on a search for as many good climbing trees as possible, climb as high as you both can in all of them, compile photo evidence
2. Go to a major chain bookstore, and leave notes to future readers in copies of your favorite books
3. Have her dress up as a ghost and you dress uup us Pacman. Walk around downtown holding hands, and whenever anyone sees you two, pretend to be embarrassed, and run off screaming “wocka wocka wocka.”
4. Create photo evidence suggesting that you went on an adventure that didn’t really happen
5. Dress up as superherous and stop at least one petty crime “ie. jaywalking, littering….”
6. Build forts out of furniture and blankets, and wage war with paper airplanes.
7. Try and visit as many people as you can in one night, and turn as many things inside their apartment upside down as you can, without them noticing.
8. Go to the airport, get the cheapest, soonest departing flight to anywhere when you show up, and stay there for a weekend.
9. Write a piece of fiction together. Outside at a cafe. Ask strangers when you get stuck.
10. Dress to the nines, pretend to be married, and test drive very expensive vehicles at an auto dealership.
11. Do the lamest tourist thing in your area that you have both secretly wanted to do forever. Have an unabashed good time!
12. In the middle of the night, drive to the beach, so you arrive just as the sun is rising. Have a breakfast picnic, then fall asleep together. Bring a sun umbrella.
13. Drive somewhere unknown and have dinner in a city you’ve never been to. With fake names.
14. Go to a minor league baseball game under the stars. Tell each other stories about how bad you are at athletics. Randomly cheer for both teams. Eat lots of Cracker Jacks.
15. Go around the city with sidewalk chalk and draw hearts with equations inside on random things
16. Walk around a city and perform short silent plays in front of security cameras
17. With camera and pair of boots, make photolog of a day in the life of the invisible man.
18. Walk around the city all night and find a place to eat breakfast at dawn
19. Go to a restraunt and convince the cook to create something completely new for you.
20. Rent a movie you’ve never seen before. Set on mute and improvise dialogue.

Found in Once Always

Joey Koala

Baby koala, by Lisa Maree Williams, Australia - professional, natural history
A joey koala clutches a fake substitute mother at the Australian Wildlife hospital, the largest wildlife hospital in the world, on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia

The Guardian

Fuck you Penguin (Koala)

tinha de estragar :-Þ

>>ANIMALS IN THE NEWS WEEK<<

We have all experienced the ups and downs of life, but every once in a while, something so shocking happens that it makes everyone stop and reevaluate what they had perceived as a decent and functional society. Today, we deconstruct one such instance, when faith, justice, and everything good in the world must be called into question.
Okay, this is pretty bad right off the bat. First of all, the perp is a fucking koala, which already makes him suspect. I don't always speciesally profile (which is a term, look it up (don't)), but koalas, I mean, come on. He's not coming inside to crap on your face (at least not literally).

Then you've got an arm in the picture, which puts this koala in perspective. THAT IS A BABY KOALA, PEOPLE, AND HE IS PUTTING HIS PAW IN THE WATER TO TEST IT OUT.

At this point, this koala already knows it's in the bag: he's going to get all the eucalyptus leaves he wants for the rest of his godforsaken life. HOW DARE HE USE THAT TONGUE IN FRONT OF A CHILD, SHE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

I don't even know what to say here. Are you happy for yourself, Koala? Why isn't the last picture good enough? You were using your tongue. Is being famous in Australia not good enough for you? IT'S A GIANT FUCKING COUNTRY, KOALA. Were you planning on going abroad for your second year of school? You're a koala, you're not from anywhere else. But you have to be world fucking famous. You want it all, Koala, and apparently you don't care who gets hurt.


But see, this is what happens when you let cute animals do things like get wet, cool off like they are humans, and demonstrate how small they are and what their koala paws look like. Of course, this has caused a series of copycat crimes throughout Australia as koalas grow egos and become convinced that no one can stop them.

And do you know what the worst part of all of this was? It happened on MY BIRTHDAY. When even penguins had the decency to take the day off! Fuck you, Koala, you heartless criminal. I hope you can sleep at night, knowing how your newfound fame has wreaked havoc throughout the world.

Os Koalas e o Calor

Seja nos fogos da Austrália... devastadores



Seja na brincadeira... presumimos

Hot damn.

It is HOT.

Hot enough to sneak into this cinderblock haven and look for relief! [Koala makes 'ehn!' sounds]

WAIT A MIN! [sploosh sploosh] WHAT'S THEES!?

[Test Slurpitty test slurpitty]

Yes.

Yes, this will do.

[Sizzling Koala sounds]

É tudo Cute Overload

All creatures [great and small] (nunca é de mais)

All creatures [great and small]

All creatures [great and small]

Puzzling ;)

Jigsaws are a joy at Christmas, the ideal gift, the perfect employment. They provide hours of painless social intercourse or moments of peaceful, solitary retreat. They come in all sizes, all degrees of difficulty, for all ages, at all prices. They can be educational, artistic, kitsch, challenging, competitive, communal and comforting. You can do them in silence, or you can talk round the table. They give you an illusion of order and progress when all around is chaos. They draw out the venom of the year's barbs of neglect and anger. They keep you sane. They are very low-tech. All you need is a big table and a good light.

Some people do jigsaws only at Christmas, when they provide easy bonding with rarely seen family members. The Christmas jigsaw is usually a sociable jigsaw. It makes the ideally harmless opening conversational gambit, as safe as, but more interesting than, the weather. I've been collecting jigsaw testimony for the past few years, from fellow novelists, actors, children and scholars, and I'm hoping to catch a member of the royal family soon. There is a long tradition of regal engagement with the pursuit, from Queen Victoria to our present monarch, who is to be seen near one in her drawing room at Balmoral in the recent film where she is so well impersonated by Helen Mirren.

One witness tells me that in the festive season his family always embarks on an elaborate puzzle of many thousands of pieces. This keeps his mother-in-law happy and busy for hours, but alas, her eyesight is failing and she tends to misplace pieces with rash confidence, so he has to get up in the middle of the night, sneak down and undo the work she has done.

I know how he feels, and how his mother-in-law feels. My sharp-eyed daughter often ticks me off for stupid mistakes, but only a month ago I had to undo a house guest's work on Jacques-Louis David's 1806 painting, The Coronation Of The Emperor Napoleon. He had got the pillars all mixed up, and a piece of the edge was floating ominously free. We started this masterpiece in the summer, and I hope to finish it early in the New Year. The painting is puzzling in more ways than one: it seems to me that it isn't the emperor who is being crowned, but his empress. Jigsaws can teach you a lot about art history. They make you look very carefully at the image, and imprint it for ever in your memory.

The jigsaw puzzle started life in the 18th century as an educational aid to the teaching of geography. The first models were dissected maps - one of the earliest references is in Mansfield Park, where Fanny Price's cousins tease her for not being familiar with these expensive new schoolroom toys. They were beyond the reach of her Portsmouth parents. A century or so later, the variety of images had diversified amazingly, and the prices were within the range of more modest families. By the 30s the cottage garden began to dominate, and is still the favoured style of traditional puzzles sold in village shops. Roses and hollyhocks, thatched roofs and bird tables remain as popular as they were during the Depression. Ask a non-puzzler to describe a jigsaw, and this is the picture they come up with. Cheap to manufacture, bright and cheering to behold, they offer a pleasing escape - although, of course, you can also find snow scenes, Christmas trees, robins. A picture of Santa in a red aeroplane, delivering gifts to a snowbound farm surrounded by pine trees, is one of America's all-time favourites, and, at an estimated $85, one of the most collectible and valuable of vintage items.

Those not seriously interested in the pursuit are probably unaware of developments in style and technology. Manufacturers have created ever more sophisticated artefacts, some three-dimensional, some hand-cut, some strangely shaped, some double-sided, some consisting of one uniform colour. Connoisseurs have strong opinions about the superiority of wood to cardboard, and commission their own personalised designs, as the Duke and Duchess of Windsor used to do. This couple first met over a jigsaw, and they remained loyal to the pastime: they liked to incorporate shaped pieces, called "whimsies", in the form of Scottie dogs, of which they were also very fond. Some puzzles have readymade whimsies. I have a very pretty and rather expensive wooden one based on a marble micromosaic scene of Rome showing the Ponte Rotto and Tiber Island. Its whimsies are nautical, and include an anchor, a capstan, a dolphin, a lobster and a yacht.

Jigsaws provide a harmonious, constructive, cooperative activity, free of the rivalry that makes so many games contentious and so many children so cross. The educational aspect is a bonus, and I cannot believe, as one historian says, that in Victorian times they were received with "gloom and depression in the nursery". But I know that home puzzlers may be highly competitive and set themselves time limits: they even race each other, with specialised techniques and prizes for the fastest. That's not the right spirit at all. In the US some have the average time for completion on the box. For me, that would ruin the whole enterprise. I don't want to be good at jigsaws. I don't want to beat the clock. I am happy to work at the same picture for months on end. Napoleon and Josephine will wait.

Review by The Guardian

Ideias para as revistas portuguesas

Entrevistar as pessoas que moram nas moradas do Monopólio.
Eis a versão britânica,

From Old Kent Road to Mayfair

Whoopi's works... seriously ;)

More from ACME Whoopi

And Bedding for QVC

Pensamento do Dia

As Calorias
são pequenos animais
que vivem nos roupeiros
e que
durante a noite
apertam a roupa das pessoas.

Postalinho de Bremen, Alemanha

Dankeschön, Pearline ;)

Meu Deus

When hurricane Hannah separated two ultra-prosh white tigers from their mother, Anjana came to the ResQte. Anjana, a chimp at TIGERS in South Carolina, became surrogate mom and playmate to the cubs, even helping with bottle feeding, according to The Sun (and don't miss the slideshow). But here's the truly amazing part: Anjana does this all the time, having raised leopard and lion cubs.

Cute Overload